I was late to learn how to tie my shoelaces. I wore Vans. I kinda thought that solved the problem, except for one day each year when the elementary school had its field trip to the roller rink, and I would have to ask someone to help me tie the laces on the skates. But then I wouldn’t practice, and I’d forget, and feel increasingly humiliated each subsequent year.

This is a minor thing to be embarrassed about, when I look back on it. All that matters is at some point I actually learned and it stopped being a problem. But it’s always been hard for me to judge what the correct amount of anxiety is to have about anything, and it seemed incredibly important to measure up to the kids around me. Admitting to my peers that I hadn’t learned this basic skill made me feel so stupid and vulnerable.

There are still times when I feel this way. And it’s usually about things that shouldn’t matter, but I can’t stop myself from obsessing about them. The internalized ableism is so deeply ingrained. Sometimes I wonder, how much of my behavior throughout my life has been a smokescreen to hide skills I never learned?